His Prostate Diagnosis. Her Stress.

If your husband has prostate cancer — or any pre-cancerous prostate condition — then your loved one’s cancer is your cancer, too. The  “in sickness” part of your wedding vows has just been epitomized.

Songs of undying love and sonnets of passion don’t compete with the tangible expression of incontinence diapers, catheter pouches and being rear ended with needles.

As a wife or partner to a man with dangerous a prostate condition, it is often your responsibility to process the information, emotions and complicated symptoms. Sometimes the paperwork degenerates quickly into an unintelligible tangle, but you give strength to your husband by giving in such a tangible way. By becoming a medical advocate and the one in care of finding and supervising treatment, you are a blessing to your husband.

I hope to offer a little help to those women who often go unnoticed when a man is diagnosed with prostate cancer or a serious prostate health condition.  Wives and others care for those they love that are suffering, listen to them, cook special foods, bear fears and be a constant cheerleader – sometimes without much acknowledgement.

Dealing with Fear and Anxiety

While men are facing their own fears and anxieties about their future and their health, the fears and own concerns of their wives and partners can be just as great.

Cancer greatly impacts both partners in a couple regardless of who actually carries the diagnosis. This is particularly true of prostate cancer, the “relationship cancer.”

Since girlhood, many women are taught to appear as if everything is always under control—even when nothing could be further from the truth.

If you look at the top stressful events of life, having a cancer diagnosis or major healthy threat ranks near the top.  Thoughts like these often surface:

• What happens if the treatment isn’t successful?
• Will we ever be close again?
• What if the cancer has spread?
• What if the cancer returns?
• What happens if I lose him?

There is an expression called “self-talk” that can be a valuable tool when you find yourself listening to the anxious talk inside of you.  The story of “thousand mirrors” serves to reflect how our attitude can change what we see is around us:

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The House of a Thousand Mirrors

Long ago in a tiny village, there was a place called the House of a Thousand Mirrors. A little dog decided to visit the house. He was an unhappy dog, and his natural expression was a cross between a scowl and a sneer.

As he entered the large house, he saw a thousand mean- and scary-looking dogs staring back at him. He immediately backed away and let out a low growl to protect himself, and just as he did, all one thousand of the mean dogs growled back at him. He ran out of the house immediately and thought, “What a terrible place that is. I’ll never go back there again.”

Not long afterward, another dog decided to visit the house. As he approached, he saw how beautiful and inviting it looked and couldn’t wait to go inside. He smiled and wagged his tail in anticipation of his adventure. As he pushed open the door, he was greeted by a thousand dogs with wagging tails and big smiles approaching him. Of course he was thrilled; he had a thousand new friends he was sure would become his buddies.

The more positive you can be right now, the more smiling puppies you’ll have to cheer you on.  The lesson learned here is what we choose to give is truly what we receive in return.

Attachment is the Road to Healing

What you tell yourself and how you communicate with men is another challenge in having a loved with dangerous prostate health.  Let’s start off by saying your husband desires – and needs – your presence close to him, whether he expresses it or not in conversation.

In fact, the psychological health of women has the greatest effect on the physical and psychological well-being of a man with cancer, according to the American Cancer Society’s Behavior Research Center.

“The males’ perception of how well they function physically in some ways depends on the support they get from their partner.”

So, when a man has a stress-ed out wife or partner, it might be their physical health that is likely to suffer.

Great!  Your indirect care of a prostate cancer patient partially determines his survival or success rate! No pressure!

But, what keeps you health is the ability to separate when you as an individual needs, what your partner needs and what your family members need.

For example, all of the information gathering, insurance claims, appointment making, record keeping, that is in your control. You are not a doctor. You can’t cure him, but you can keep track of things. Those are the things you do for him. But, you may not need to mention that you spent an hour at work arguing over a claim to your husband. That’s not what he needs.

What you need is to take care of yourself.

The two most obvious means of doing this is eating right and exercising. It might feel self-indulgent, but it really is self-preservation.

Make sure you have some fun, give time to your hobbies and enjoy the company of family and friends that you can rely on.  Make sure you people to whom you can say, “I need to call you and cry on the phone,” or “I need to spend an evening with you, and we can’t talk about anything related to medicine.” Know yourself well enough to let the people around you know what you need.

There is no life instruction book that comes with a loved one’s diagnosis. As wives and partners, we often “wing it” as we go, taking the ups and downs of the disease in stride. This might help when you watch your love one go through so much:

Bill of rights for wives and partners*

• Cry as often as you need to but look for humor everyday.
• Worry all you want but know that it won’t change a thing.
• You can be a tower of strength and still fall apart.
• You don’t always have to know the right thing to say.
• Accept that you will never be the perfect wife/partner.
• Forgive yourself for making mistakes.
• On days when you have nothing to give, know that it will be enough.
• Take care of yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.
• Give yourself permission to forget about prostate cancer for a day.
• Hate the disease but always love the man.
• Grieve what you’ve lost and celebrate what you’ve got left.
• Let go of the illusion that you can handle this alone.
• When the burden is too heavy, give it to God.

Unchartered Waters

Many men have difficulty enough with the idea of a physical invasion to their bodies through the back door, while we as women have our gynecological depths physically plumbed on a regular basis. They might also find it difficult to communicate emotional issues – so being saddled with a prostate cancer diagnosis can make for rough going in uncharted waters.

Communication is critically important to get beyond where you are today. Even though he may never verbalize it to you, understand that your man is going through an extremely emotional time, with so many conflicting and oftentimes dark thoughts racing through his mind throughout the waking hours. Men commonly have no idea at all how to cope with those feelings.

Some guys could talk about being a hero, even if hit by a truck.  But, talk about prostate cancer and as if their manhood is being taken away, drives the doors of communication shut.

Of course, you will console him as best you can. But perhaps just as important, you need to communicate and tell him exactly how you feel emotionally because of his diagnosis. Tell him of your own fears and your hopes for the future.

I think it would be a great idea if you went out dancing with your husband and — during the slowest of available waltzes — you whispered in his ear, “It’s not your fault; it’s not my fault; it’s not anyone’s fault; and I still love you so much it hurts every single day.” It’s not that you “need to do better.” It’s that you both need to accept what has changed and be able to laugh about it together.

Coping with a potentially life-threatening illness has no right or wrong way. You may be surprised at your partner’s reaction, as well as your own. After all, we all react differently to stress.

Fearlessness in the Fairer Sex

Expectations and roles are often turned completely upside down with life-threatening prostate conditions.  You might need a new starting point to discuss short-term and long-term changes and what does the relationship mean to you and how to accomplish your goals.  Not all women are comfortable with taking on a more demanding and commanding role in the relationship, but you need to stay two steps ahead and take charge of the situation.

Let your husband know that he needs to give you hugs and kisses because many men are traumatized by their loss of libido and sexual function that he doesn’t even recognize that need!

Ultimately, as women, our only experience of a prostate is through our men – yet what our men go through affects us as women.  The result – obviously the one you want in a situation like this – was one of improved communication between us.  Speak directly and honestly, and, at the end of the day, your relationship will be better for it.

While your husband may have been profoundly affected physically and psychologically by the effects of his prostate health problems, you both made a commitment to each other that came with your marriage vows … “To have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health …”

If you are the wife or partner of a prostate cancer patient or survivor, which of the above rights apply to you?  What other rights would you add in your specific case that you can share with us? 

 

 

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Grandma Barton is mother to Joe Barton (founder of Barton Publishing), grandmother to 6 grandkids and 28 step-grandkids, and over 3000 Home Cures That Work members. She is a two-time breast cancer survivor with the help of Dr. Saunders and natural remedies. Grandma loves finding cures within the home to treat all sorts of ailments. With tips she’s learned on the farm and along the way, Grandma Barton brings a time-tested and trusted voice when it comes to home remedies. She really is an inspiration to us all.

 

*Courtesy www.hisprostatecancer.com